Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Our summer mentoring, and how better questions lead to better relationships

By Ryan Maloney, assistant women's volleyball coach




"I can disagree with your opinion, it turns out, but I can't disagree with your experience. And once I have a sense of your experience, you and I are in relationship, acknowledging the complexity in each other's position, listening less guardedly. The difference in our opinions will probably remain intact, but it no longer defines what is possible between us." ~ Krista Tippet, Becoming Wise: An Inquiry into the Mystery and Art of Living

Our players are put in small groups over the summer, and every Friday I e-mail them a question to ask each other. They're then given a quiz on their partner when they come to preseason. Some examples from this year:

"What interests does your partner have?"
"Who is the most important person in your partner's life, and why?"
"What's your partner's favorite television show?"
Last summer, the first question I asked was, "Who does you partner want to vote for in the 2016 presidential election?" Yes, probably the most divisive question you can ask a group.

But not only did I ask the question too early, it wasn't even the right question to ask.

The question should have been framed as, "Who does your partner want to vote for in the 2016 presidential election, and what experiences has she had that makes her want to vote for that candidate?"

In this context, she can't blame you for wanting to vote for Donald Trump. She can't blame you for wanting to vote for Hillary Clinton. She can disagree with your opinion, but she can't disagree with your experience.

Another word for that is understanding.