It was a Sunday afternoon in October, 2014 when I got a panicked phone call from our junior libero, Lauren Hokaj. There was something she needed to tell me, something embarrassing:
"I hit a wall," she said. Assuming she was tired from volleyball practice, or stressed from having too much school work, I asked her again what exactly the problem was. "No, you don't understand, I literally punched a wall. There's something wrong with my hand now."
I got in my car to meet Hokaj and her sister at the nearest Immediate Care to get an x-ray. We sat in the waiting room for the next hour as she told me she'd gotten frustrated at a party the night before, letting her anger out on the closest wall.
Though her hand wasn't broken, she'd miss the next week of practice, including an important regional match against Houghton. We'll never know, but if Hokaj had played in that match she'd likely have broken Fredonia's all-time record for career digs, still held by Sarah Zureck ('12).
In retrospect, as she says below, she's grateful for the experience: "One crappy situation, where I thought it was the end of the world, turned out to be the point in my life where it all changed for the better."
Do you know the feeling inside when you’re doing something wrong, and you know it’s wrong, but you continue to do it anyway? That was me for a while at Fredonia. Almost three years, actually. I was in denial for so long that I was living my life the wrong way and that the way I was living my life was not benefiting me at all. I had no purpose or passion. I just woke up every day and hoped for the best.
"I hit a wall," she said. Assuming she was tired from volleyball practice, or stressed from having too much school work, I asked her again what exactly the problem was. "No, you don't understand, I literally punched a wall. There's something wrong with my hand now."
I got in my car to meet Hokaj and her sister at the nearest Immediate Care to get an x-ray. We sat in the waiting room for the next hour as she told me she'd gotten frustrated at a party the night before, letting her anger out on the closest wall.
Though her hand wasn't broken, she'd miss the next week of practice, including an important regional match against Houghton. We'll never know, but if Hokaj had played in that match she'd likely have broken Fredonia's all-time record for career digs, still held by Sarah Zureck ('12).
In retrospect, as she says below, she's grateful for the experience: "One crappy situation, where I thought it was the end of the world, turned out to be the point in my life where it all changed for the better."
Do you know the feeling inside when you’re doing something wrong, and you know it’s wrong, but you continue to do it anyway? That was me for a while at Fredonia. Almost three years, actually. I was in denial for so long that I was living my life the wrong way and that the way I was living my life was not benefiting me at all. I had no purpose or passion. I just woke up every day and hoped for the best.
When I first started college my mentality wasn’t to do well in school, it was to go out and just have fun with no cares in the world because hey, I was a cool college student now. I was making a lot of the wrong choices, doing poorly in school, and in no way understanding my worth when it came to talking to the right guys. Sadly, this kind of lifestyle I was living didn’t end until the beginning of my junior year.
I reached rock bottom my junior year during volleyball season when I had a revelation (if you want to call it that). I got to the point where I was so frustrated with the the way my life was playing out. I hated who I was becoming, but I could never find the courage to change because that would just be way too hard to do. I was just settling every day, not excited about all the amazing opportunities I had going for me. I got to the point where I became so emotionally, mentally, and physically frustrated with everything going on in my life that I hit a wall. Literally. I literally hit a wall.
The reason I was out for a week during my junior year was because I punched the wall out of frustration one night and I did some serious damage to my thumb. It sounds horrible and that’s because it was. There’s no way to sugarcoat it. I got to a point in my life where hitting a wall was the only way I could release everything I was feeling inside at the time. Unfortunately, because I had to miss practice that week I was out, I also had to miss one of the most important games that year. It was against Houghton at home. I was really looking forward to that game too. (By the way, Courtney Poirier played libero that game and broke school records that night because she’s amazing!!!).
During that week out with my thumb injury, I did a lot of crying, but I also did a lot of praying too. I turned to my faith a lot during that time because I felt like I let down every other person in my life. I started journaling every night too before I went to sleep. I’d write five things that was positive about my day and five things that I wanted to work on with myself. This helped me out a lot.
As horrible as that injury was, it turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. It opened my eyes to everything I was so blinded by before. I started spending the weekends at home in Buffalo with my family and I started devoting my time to doing better in school. While I was doing that I fell in love with becoming a teacher and I even received a 3.5 GPA that semester. I worked my butt off in volleyball and was named MVP two years in a row by my awesome teammates. I started dating my best friend, Jason, who loved me for just being my weird self without having to put on an act, and who reminded me daily what I’m worth. More importantly, I finally started understanding what I was worth. And even more importantly, I was finally starting to change and I saw my life turn into what I always wanted it to be.
I was looking at the stats of other liberos at Fredonia the other day. Sarah Zureck, who used to go to St. Mary’s High School too, had a few more digs than I finished with. I couldn’t help but think to myself, what if I didn’t injure my thumb that day? What if I played in that game against Houghton? Would I have beaten the record for the most digs at Fredonia? Maybe I would’ve. Who knows… but at this point I’m glad I didn’t. If I didn't go through that hard period of time in my life like I did, I would’ve never changed and I wouldn’t be where I am today. One crappy situation, where I thought it was the end of the world, turned out to be the point in my life where it all changed for the better.
So here I am today, a senior in college ready to graduate. Four years goes by pretty darn quick. Thinking back on my college career I wouldn't change one thing because everything that did happen to me shaped me into the woman I am today: strong, hard working, and passionate about the things and people I love. People would try and tell me not to worry and get upset about things and that eventually things will change over time, but I found out that wasn’t always necessarily true.
The only way that things will change is when you decide you’re going to change them for yourself. At the end of the day the only person in charge of your life and your happiness is you.
Lauren Hokaj, who will graduate in May with a degree in education, writes a teaching blog,"Miss H"